apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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