I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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