I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
