There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
