I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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