brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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