You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
