I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
How external is "for external use only"?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
