he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
