I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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