we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
