It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
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