I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
