he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
