call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
