the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
