my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
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My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
