What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
