can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
