Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
so much tequila, so little girl.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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