And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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