Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
