i may or may not be watching the land before time
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Randomize
