weddingsv make me drug and hornr
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
