i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
