Your mouth is God's brothel.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Holy sore nipples Batman
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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