Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I'm like, not good at living.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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