He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
