I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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