Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
