Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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