His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
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