My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
