you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
