Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
