This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
