I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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