my phone needs a breathalizer
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
