don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
