How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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