youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
