mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future�
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
