The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
