No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
