omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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