Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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