he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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