Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Randomize
