I just pynch a tree in the face
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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