sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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