I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
